Motorcycle Tool Dictionary
___________________________________________________________________
Note: This list was emailed to me by somebody who got it in an e-mail from somebody... well, you get the idea. I have no idea who originally wrote it but I've made so many additions and edits that about half of it is now ironharley.com original material.
___________________________________________________________________
New to wrenching on your own bike?
Here are few tips on the proper use of those tools in your garage:
___________________________________________________________________
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war and often found alongside the
sickle in the banners of countries with firm ideas on government. The hammer is now used
as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive (and easily damaged) parts near the
object you are trying to hit. Alternately the hammer (and it's larger cousin, the
SledgeHammer or BFH) can be used to devise a way to get to visit that cute little nurse
down at the local emergency room.
RAZOR KNIFE: Often used to open, and slice through the contents of, cardboard cartons
delivered (at great expense) to your workshop; works particularly well on boxes containing
fairing panels, expensive seats and/or lone bottles of battery acid. Usually does as much
damage to the contents of the box as to the box itself... if used properly. It
is primarily
used for scratching chrome and paint... after drawing blood.
ELECTRIC DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until the
Stupidity Police come to take you away; it also works great for drilling mounting holes
in the wrong place and continuing on through your custom fenders and into your
new $300 rear tire.
PLIERS: A modified nutcracker that is primarily used to round off bolt heads and strip
bolt threads. Can also be used to crush irreplaceable wiring loom connectors.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to
influence its course the more erratic your destiny.
VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. It can also be used in place of a clamp to hold
things in the wrong place while you drill bolt holes. If nothing else is available, they
can also be used to assist in arc-welding your metal watch band to the rear subframe.
CUTTING TORCH: Used almost entirely for finding various flammable objects in your garage.
Also handy for firing off the two remaining explosive atoms left in that holed fuel tank
you've been soaking in water for six months. Can be, and often is, used to set moustaches
on fire while lighting cigarettes.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British motorcycles, they are now used
mainly for impersonating that metric socket you've been searching for over the last two
hours. The socket you actually wanted will appear the moment you've rounded off the bolt.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for snatching items out of the bloody mess that
used to be your hand and hurling them into your chest at approximately Mach 2. This has
been carefully calculated to be the minimum required speed to give projectiles the needed
inertia to rebound from your broken ribs hard enough to fling your beer across the room,
splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL/BUFFER: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them around the
workshop at the speed of light miraculously smashing them straight into what ever
breakable item is either the most expensive or the hardest to replace. Also removes
fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
"Fuuu...!"
HYDRAULIC JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your
new front disk pads, trapping the jack handle firmly between the (now) dented custom
fender the (now) cracked alloy wheel.
2X4: Used for trying to lever a motorcycle off of hydraulic jacks. It is quite useful
for pinching holes in oil lines during this process (and somehow concealing this
little fact until you have
ridden at least 50 miles from home).
TWEEZERS: A tool designed for pushing 2X4 wood splinters deeper into your hand.
PHONE: A tool for renewing your medical insurance and then calling your neighbor to see if
he has another hydraulic jack.
GASKET SCRAPER: Useful as a breakfast tool for spreading butter on toast; and for getting
dog crap off of your boot. Oddly enough it does not require washing.
BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than
any known drill bit. Always two sizes larger than the label says.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating the futility of
ever getting the timing anywhere near factory specs. Useful for sticking in your mouth
late at night and permanently traumatizing any small child that mistakenly wanders into
the workshop.
ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of the battery cables and oil
lines you have forgotten to disconnect.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a
motorcycle battery to the inside of your toolbox and down the inner thigh of your new jeans, after
determining that your battery is dead just as you thought.
METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes (and accurately) called a drop
light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not
otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to
consume light bulbs at about the same rate that incendiary bombs might be used during the
first few hours of territorial negotiations in Eastern Europe. Also useful for hooking
your
kickstand directly to the national power grid.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab through the foil seal of brake fluid
containers and splash the contents liberally across your freshly-painted fuel tank; can
also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200
miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an impact wrench
that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago, by an apprentice in Milwaukee, and
either rounds them off or removes the bolt head entirely... depending on your perseverance.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the $100 chrome surround for that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 10 cent washer.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses a half inch too short.
TOOL BOX: A magic contraption for storing tools that only lets you find the tool you were looking for yesterday, NEVER the one you are looking for today, unless of course you just bought another one to get the job done. If so, when you go to store the NEW one in your tool box you will find the OLD one sitting right on top like a cherry on a chocolate sundae.
CIRCUIT TESTER/OHM METER: A tool used to short-circuit electrical parts. Often sending sparks into all the old oil cans sitting in the corner and thereby starting a fire that burns down your garage, your bike, your truck, your collector's edition Harley Davidson poker cards and even your Harley clock that goes "vroom vroom" every hour on the hour. On the off chance that the fire trucks get there early enough to save the bike, you still have a shorted out electrical device that NOW has a voided warranty. I guess you'll have to go buy a new one...with your beer money.
OPEN END WRENCH: A tool designed to slip off of a nut once maximum force is applied so that your knuckles travel at top speed when they impact sharp metal edges. This has the added benefit of greatly increasing your ability to curse fluently.
BOX END WRENCH: A tool that holds a bolt head tight enough that the open end wrench (above) can do it's job on the nut.
TORQUE WRENCH: A tool that lets you know how much force it took to twist the head off of a bolt.
PUNCH/CHISEL: A tool designed to gently guide your fingers directly into the path of a ball-peen hammer.
_______________________________________________
___________________________________________________________